If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
