ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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