Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
