I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
