My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
