I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
