i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
