Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
