she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
