I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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