at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
