You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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