I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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