I faked an abortion last night.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
zippers are such a cool invention
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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