Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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