Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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