burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
