I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
