my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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