You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
