Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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