WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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