Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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