Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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