nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
