Who wears a wallet chain?!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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