apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
