I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
