Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
