Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Drake has all the answers
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
