Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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