It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
