We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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