I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
