Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she peed on how many people?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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