Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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