Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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