3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
