My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Is it penis luge time yet?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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