she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
