i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
