I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Let's get the cat blown out
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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