White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Alive.
So much puke
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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