textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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