He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
