There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
