He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
