you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
