There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
