let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
